Tag Archives: dating

All Messed Up

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Just got home from a brief convo with a few friends. I feel like we’re doomed. I know, I should be optimistic but how we think about love, dating, sex, it’s all messed up. Biblically speaking, it’s all wrong. First of all, we can’t love, truly love, selfless love, unconditional love because we don’t know God. How can we love or know love if we don’t know the creator and giver of love. God is love. What we think is love is something else and it pulls us in all kinds of wrong directions. Giving oneself away physically does not mean love.

Many of us are slaves to sex sin and don’t even know it. Slaves meaning it controls us, our relationships, life. We may think it’s normal because everyone says it is. If no one else has told you, let me, it’s not normal. Actually, it may be the societal norm but it shouldn’t be our norm. It complicates thing in present relationships and future ones. Sex before marriage will never satisfy. Why? Because it isn’t the order God intended it to be and it isn’t true intimacy. One can only experience true intimacy after marriage, the way God intended it to be (Hebrews 13:4). You can’t connect with someone physically if you haven’t connected with him/her spiritually, mentally, emotionally, socially. As a Christian, if you haven’t entered into the covenant of marriage, there will always be some level of inhibition, lack of openness, comfort or trust.

If I can just keep it real, I didn’t want to post this. I wrote this weeks months and months ago. I feel it’s one of those topics that most people feel, act, validate based on their lifestyle and social norms. Girls Ladies, it doesn’t make you a stronger woman, more free and comfortable with whom you are because you have more partners. And boys men, talking about how many girls you’ve been with doesn’t make you more manly. Who is man enough, strong enough, bold enough to change that narrative? Some things (i.e. abstaining) may never be the cool thing to do, but are you cool enough to make it cool to talk about how many girls you’ve abstained from in your circle of friends?

As a Christian, any man or woman who isn’t willing to wait until marriage isn’t ready for marriage. There’s a selflessness, obedience and honor to God that should come first. For the ladies and the men, let me say, you are worth the wait and for anyone who says or acts differently #deuces.

Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:34-36)

If you are a Christ believer, you are no longer slave to sin. You are a son of the family of Christ, of light, righteousness, life. You are free. You have a right to be free. Free to overcome EVERYTHING you believe you cannot overcome. Everything you’ve given up on overcoming. Who is ruling? You can overcome whatever it is, depend on God to do it in and through you.

I know this is a topic that may make us uncomfortable. It doesn’t fit our lifestyles anymore so we tend to find ways around it. We start calling the Bible outdated, irrelevant, etc to justify or validate our sin as ok. If you’re a Christian, let’s acknowledge God’s truth in all things instead of disputing it because it’s difficult to accept or convicts us to the core.

I know some of you are reading this like, oh well I’m satisfied with where I am and what you believe or what you have might be good, but it’s not for everyone. Remember Christ. Jesus paid the price on the cross for us. For you and your intimacy, that you may know true love. He made a covenant with God just for you so you could be free.

❤ Carin

 

You Have Nothing to Prove

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“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” This. Because so many of us are in bondage to people. We dress, we work, we act, we do for others. What will so and so think, how many likes can I get, can I get promoted for this? It’s easy to let perception, influence, recognition run us.

Naturally we want to please our family, friends, baes, boos, bosses, fans, people in general, but reality is we’ll never be good enough for everyone. We can’t please or find favor with everyone. But God. The one who matters will be well pleased with us if we trust in and follow Him over man. Sounds easy, but it’s not. Actually think about it, how often do you make decisions based on what someone will think of you vs what you really want to do or feel led to do? From the little day to day things to the “bigger” life things… be honest 🙂

Let’s talk about this “proving ourselves” thing a little bit more. It’s such a part of our culture that it seems to be a natural, normal thing. Truth is we should only be concerned with what God thinks of us, “well done my good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21) And please don’t take this out of context… I’m not saying to neglect responsibility or don’t do things that are expected of us. I’m talking about our tendency to put people before God. Something I believe comes from a desire within to prove ourselves. At some point in life, a seed was planted that we aren’t good enough or that we don’t and never will measure up. Maybe it was something someone directly or indirectly said to us, a teacher, family, friends, society, circumstance or our own selves… missed expectations? Maybe it was something we’ve just internalized over time making us feel lesser than. It could be anything that’s led us to this point of believing we have to do whatever it takes to make it, to prove ourselves.

Why is thinking this way faulty? Because f r e e d o m. When we’re living to please others over God, we lack freedom and we’re bound to man. Freedom starts with an inner contentment with who we are in Christ. It means to desire what God has for you first and foremost, the willingness and ability to allow God to be in control of your life versus being influenced or controlled by our desire to be accepted by man over God. We can’t be free AND be subject to man. Isaiah 2:22 says, “stop trusting in mere humans who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?” 

Putting God first makes everything easy. Really. The challenge is that we often times are not putting God first. The demands of the world are too much and they aren’t for us to carry. The world enslaves us, causes us to live in bondage rather than freedom. We can easily get consumed with pleasing people, robbing ourselves of the joy that life should give us. When you’re feeling super pressured to deliver, as many of us do all the time, remember, the only one that really matters is God.

As a Christian, you aren’t meant to fit in with the world, doing the things the world does in the world’s way. Your life shouldn’t look like anyone else’s life. And as long as your life does or you fit in with the world doing worldly things, you’ll be unhappy, unfulfilled even because God has so much more for you. So, if you feel like a loner, or like no one gets you or that you don’t fit in, that’s awesome. It’s time to ask God where it is that He wants to take you. There’s a reason He’s unsettled you. Cheers to walking in a freedom that only God could give. I promise you, you’ll be happier than ever 🙂

As long as we’re living for him and trusting Him and letting Him be God in our lives, God will be well pleased with us. Keep things in order, God first for real, and everything else will be alright.

With love always,

Carin

10 Dating Rules for 2016

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Hey y’all! I just wrote a post on our Xconvo discussion about the dating game in 2016… such a fun discussion! You can imagine how lively it got 🙂 What are your expectations, deal breakers, social media, who should pay on the date, etc. We’re dropping the full video next week Thursday 2.25.16, but check out our vlog on the rules we came up with in the meantime!

(If you don’t know about Xconvos, you’re missing out! It’s a web-based series of real discussions on various social topics from a black Millennial perspective. We are changing the conversation through these solution focused discussions. I think you’ll enjoy them, check em out!)

Now, for le dating game.. here are the first five rules we came up with:
 
1.    Self evaluate: know yourself, know your worth. Are you secure in who you are? Know your expectations, needs and limits in a relationship and from your significant other. We all want a perfect relationship, but perfect is relative. Everything you expect in your significant other should also be attributes you have.

2.    Come complete, she/he will not complete you. A husband/wife will complete you, but also won’t complete you. Understand that you have value as an individual. Don’t enter a relationship to fill a void or just because you’re lonely. Dating is much deeper than that. Yes, you may temporarily feel love and companionship, but if you’re in a relationship and looking for every bit of your happiness and fulfillment in the other person, you may lose it quicker than you found it.

3.    Do your stalking due diligence. Social media is your best friend… sometimes lol (Check out the Xconvos dropping later this week for a different perspective on this!)

4.    Whoever initiates the date, expect to pay. Yep, ladies too. If you ask a guy out on a date, you should expect to pay. Not saying that you will pay, but you should go with the expectation of paying. “It’s 2016, ladies gotta step up.” I’m hearing this a lot these days. Question for y’all, should ladies be asking men out on dates? I’m not a fan haha, but maybe I’m a bit more traditional in a few ways. Ladies, am I wrong? If you have asked a man out before, how’d it go?

5.    Don’t waste time! Pretty self-explanatory. Ain’t nobody got time for games. #dontwastehistime #dontwastehertime

Go read the rest of the rules on the Alibi X blog, The Digital Conscious! I think number 10 is my favorite. Let me know what you think! Anything you would add?

Hope you enjoy 🙂

❤

Lonely On Valentine’s Day? This Is For You!

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Heyy y’all!

Happy Valentine’s Day 🙂 I just wrote a post about loneliness on my church’s Strictly Young People (youth ministry) blog.

Here’s a snippet of the post:

If you’re not smiling today because you think Valentine’s Day is just another day to remind you of your loneliness, I hope that this blog puts a smile on your face. And for everyone who feels “ugh not another Valentine’s Day to remind me how single I am,” this is especially for you… you are not alone!

You’re probably like, well yeah I am. I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend. My friends are all going out on dates… I’m sitting at home alone. I live in this hugee city with millions of people and so much to do, but I still feel empty. There is no one for me. I am lonely.

Firstly, let me say that loneliness is biblical. It is a desire to be with someone because that’s the way God created us…

Finish reading it here: Lonely on Valentine’s Day? This is for you!

Be blessed and have a great day y’all!

P.S. Last year I wrote about what I think is The Best Kept Relationship Secret. Check it out!

The Best Kept Relationship Secret

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Happy Valentine’s Day! Perfect day to post about relationship stuff 🙂

What do you look for in a guy? How do you know if he is the one? If you don’t date, how do you know what to look for?

I get these questions a loooot. The answer is simple. God. It may seem silly or weird to some of you but I 100% depend on God in that area of my life. He is way more seasoned than me and will never disappoint. I think God is the biggest kept secret to making any relationship work.

How can you tell if a guy is with you for the wrong reasons? Or why do girls turn crazy after a couple months of dating? Asked a few friends what they look for in their significant other, this is what I got: loves God, humor, good heart, determination, faith, patience, sex, humility and honesty. Deal breakers:  disrespect, arrogance , pride, no relationship with God, selfish…

Consider our lack of discernment, caused by so many things…feelings are one of them. Some might be obvious, but would you really be able to see any any of the above if you don’t have discernment? (Philippians 1:9-10)

I read this in a book once: think of your relationship with God and your future spouse as a triangle. God at the top point, you two at the two other points. As you get closer to God, you get closer to each other. Once God is done preparing you for each other, bam. It will happen in His timing. God’s timing is always the right timing even if it may not seem like it.

If you’re one of those peeps that thinks v-day is “single awareness day”…good. Now, go bask in your singleness 🙂 What better time to do everything God has called you to do as an individual. All your cares should be for things that belong to the Lord, how you can please Him..but when you’re married, you have to also care about “things of the world”, how you may please your spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34. I hope you can see the awesomeness in being single.

If you’re in a relationship, *smiley with the ❤ eyes”, I am happy for you 🙂 I hope you’re enjoying this season in your life. You should be! If not, take a step back and think about it. Are you where God wants you to be right now? He’s got your back so just go to Him.

A few more thoughts:

1. Ask God to choose your spouse for you, to give you eyes and a heart only for the one that he wants you to be with. I’ll be happy with whomever God chooses for me, He can do a much better job than I can haha. Yes, there are manyyy choices and you can make it work with more than one person, but I think there is a special someone God has called for you to be with to accomplish a purpose in His kingdom here together.

2. Ask God for what you want but also ask God to help you only desire what He has in store for you. Pray for your future wifey/hubby.

3. Pray about any relationship you’re thinking about beginning, ask God for confirmation. Asking someone to be your gf should be a big deal. (And girls, you pray too.) God should get all the glory from your relationship.

4. Stay pure. Y’all know what I mean here. If you’re not married, you have not entered a covenant relationship with each other…you don’t “belong” to each other yet. 1 Corinthians 7:2-4  You are a holy vessel, do you want to defile the things of God? 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 I know this is much easier said than done, but the strength to overcome temptation only lies in the Holy Spirit.  He loves us so much that He already forgave us and gave us this power to overcome when he died on the cross.

Love you all lots! God loves you so much more. Happy days 🙂

❤ Rinny