Guilt and shame might be two of the heaviest burdens we carry. This couple brings pain, unforgiveness, bitterness, dishonesty, and a lot more. God wants us to be completely free from both of them. He sacrificed his son’s whole life so we wouldn’t have to carry the heavy burden that comes with guilt and shame. It’s too much for us to deal with alone and we can’t truly live fruitful lives carrying these things. I thank God for his sacrifice, for knowing what we need and making a way before we even arrived here.

Remember Jesus died for our sins. He died so that we could commit the most heinous crimes and still be loved. He died so that the worst human being, the worst sinner could have life more abundantly.

Have you ever considered why shame is so destructive? Why is that we hurt ourselves and others when we try to protect something that belongs to us, our shame? We think we’re putting our reputation at risk by exposing truth, but really we’re freeing ourselves. Shame blocks growth because we can’t truly be ourselves, we lack authenticity when trying to maintain a certain character or image that isn’t really who we are. We need to understand that truth always wins. This is why honesty is so important… we have a conscience. God gave it to us, and God is a God of truth. That’s why even when no one else but “I” knows something, we still feel wrong or bad.

Shame makes us feel less than we know ourselves to be, unworthy, unworthy of love or happiness. It makes us feel less valuable, less trustworthy, it makes us love ourselves less. For example… if only I know you have a reason not to trust me, I may, at some point, begin to overcompensate to make up for that guilt through my words and actions. On the negative end, I may become hypersensitive to feelings like I’m being watched, being taken for granted, not being believed, feeling like I have to prove myself. On the “positive” side, I may become overly nice or helpful, over giving, etc… all good things but motivated by wrong feelings. When we feel these emotions, they can change our being, the very core of who we are, and we sometimes even begin to believe lies about ourselves. As a result, we start to become the person we didn’t want to be. That person does everything we never wanted to do. Everything we hate. 

The biggest challenge is the internal conflict that exists beneath the facade we create. Deep down, we who know we are, but when our actions don’t match up to that person we know ourselves to be, it starts getting confusing. Shame causes us to dislike the person we were or are becoming so we hide under a facade of who we want to be and who we know ourselves to be even though our actions haven’t always matched up. Our facade only protects our image. We think because our true feelings are hidden, our shame will never be exposed. That’s false. 

I want us to get this, how deeply affected we can be by guilt and shame or whatever we’re holding on to that makes us forget who we are. We hold parts of our true selves back when we feel unworthy. Or we try to find ways to break others down to make ourselves feel better. Shame causes us to act out of character, out of fear. For example, if he/she knew this, they’d leave. It doesn’t allow for security but rather more lies and deception to hide the source of shame. More stress, more anxiety, more tension and negative emotions. We begin to look for the negative in someone else to build ourselves up. Can you see how toxic that can be? We may even feel undeserving, or guilty even for receiving good from someone who we know we’ve wronged, whether they know it or not. We punish people unknowingly, subconsciously for the guilt and shame we feel.

Think about it this way… when we lack authenticity, it not only keeps us from being free, it also blinds us for seeing others for who they really are. It creates a rift and decreases the opportunity for growth because the one who is hiding is looking at others from a blurred lens. On the other end, the person on the receiving end may feel as if the one who is hiding is holding back, which causes him/her to question their actions. How deep have you buried some things?

The longer we hold on to something, the longer we’re locking ourselves up. I don’t mean throwing someone away. That certainly might help and may be needed but just getting rid of a person or burying an experience doesn’t rid us of the feelings, thoughts and emotions that live on. Hiding shame gives it power. Sharing shame frees… with someone who is understanding or willing to gain an understanding and is empathetic. Own and share your story because that person you know yourself to be, the good and the bad, is who you are until you process, heal and grow. 

May I suggest that if we’re dealing with guilt and shame because of what we’ve done to someone or what someone has done to us, a loved one, someone in the past, a coworker, the only way to be free is to confess our sin. You are not reading this by chance. We allow the enemy to ruin our lives and our relationships, our futures, by keeping quiet, by holding in secrets that shouldn’t belong to us. It breaks my heart even as I’m writing this now. How much stuff we’re carrying and holding on to that doesn’t belong to us. The saddest thing to think about is the hurt and pain, the guilt and shame that won’t stop here unless we make the decision to correct it. To expose it. Why? Because as long as we hold on to it, the enemy has free reign to mess with our minds. To play with our thoughts. To deceive us and tell us we’re no good, we’ll never be accepted, we won’t be forgiven, we’re underserving, unlovable, etc. I don’t care how shameful or bad you think your thing is, freedom comes through confession and forgiveness. To whom you might be wondering… of course we can start with Jesus, and if He puts it on your heart to share more with someone else, that’s when you have to decide to be obedient. 

Make a choice to be free so that you can live peaceably. Whatever or whoever it is that may come to mind, I pray you get the courage, the Holy Spirit leading, boldness to speak up and stand as a humble man/woman of God, of integrity, of righteousness. It doesn’t take much to be quiet, it takes a whole lot to expose oneself. When you’re standing with God though, when you’re naked and exposed, you can also be unashamed. Perfect love hath no fear. Fear has to do with punishment (1 John 4:18). God isn’t here to judge you. That person, if he or she judges you, let them. But you, do what you know God is telling you to do because we are responsible for our actions.

I know this can be hard to deal with, I pray God guides you to the right person to think about, a friend, a counselor, a parent, a significant other. Whoever it may be, may God give them grace and wisdom to work through this with you.

With lots of love, 

Carin