Let’s be real… relationship talk can get old, annoying, here we go again type of sentiment. I determined not to talk about relationships after February because, honestly, after Rooted in Love (Philly Connect’s bomb co-ed annual relationship conference), I’m usually pooped. Silly me lol I have to acknowledge that relationships are work and require constant renewal of the mind just like every other area of our lives. We’re constantly being influenced by toxic ideas, good ideas from others that might not be good ideas for us, and circumstances… like covid. Since people have time during this quarantine btw, I can’t help but think how situationships may be at an all time high. Unfortunately so because we should be focused on other things! 

Let me first say this… we tend to think that obedience to God means that He doesn’t want us to enjoy life and have fun. The reality is that God does want us to live a fun, pleasurable, joyful life. He created everything for us to enjoy. Here’s what we need to get, God doesn’t want us to do certain things our way because he knows what it (sin) does to us. It has nothing to do with fun and everything to do with God’s protection and the enemy having limited access to us. When we step outside of God’s covering, the enemy has more opportunity to get us to believe his lies of who we aren’t. Yes, who we aren’t. As long as the enemy can get us to believe we are the things we’ve done, people we’ve been with, places we’ve gone, he’s got a way in to our thoughts, our minds, our lives. It’s easy to get caught up in rules, don’t do this, don’t do that. There are certain things we hear all the time that we just know are wrong but we don’t understand why, nor have we taken he time to seek understanding. So these “rules” which are really God’s covering for us merely become legalistic or religious practices that don’t hold much weight in our day to day lives. Relationships are about growth and understanding and having a relationship with God first. An intimate relationship with our creator translates into our earthly relationships, and we should see that reflected in our lives. When our relationship with God stops growing, our relationships on earth stop growing in the right way also. 

Sometimes, God allows us to experience things so we can see how depraved we are without Him. Can we agree that who we are and how we act without God is not pretty? We do things we aren’t proud of, say things we wish we could take back, go places we wish we hadn’t gone. Since the enemy will use what we’ve done to tear us down, he does what he can to remind us of the past. He brings up old memories, people, things, no matter how long ago we left them… and he does it at our most vulnerable times. When we’re lonely, going through something, when we’ve isolated ourselves, we are more tempted to look back. When we’re constantly reminded of or dwell on the past, it’s more difficult to remember that’s who we are without Christ. What has happened is past and should remain there. You are no longer that person. You will never again be the person you were yesterday or today even. This is a huge reason why we need to forgive ourselves. Once we forgive ourselves, we’re able to truly move forward by accepting what happened, acknowledging that’s not who we are or what defines us and trusting that God’s grace will make it beautiful and work everything for our good. 

God doesn’t want us to live in the past. We destroy ourselves by not forgiving ourselves or others. Forgiveness is a release. And, I pray that today, some of us will find freedom by simply asking God to help us forgive. You have a choice to be free and to be healed. Think about it, who or what have you let steal your peace, your joy, your ability to grow, to be your true self that God created you to be? 

What should we do when we’re left with the pain of the past, the hurt, the shame, the guilt, the feelings of inadequacy, the insecurities, the feelings of worthlessness, of being used, played, taken advantage of. Leave the past in the past. Close the door of hurt, lock it, throw that key away, and send with it anything reminiscent of that pain that triggers memories. Easier said than done right? It seems the easier and more common thing to do is to run from the pain or unknowingly channel it in ways that continue to hurt us more than we know. We subconsciously start acting out of fear in relationships, fear of going through the same thing again, the rejection, betrayal, deception or manipulation. We begin treating people how we don’t want to be treated so we never again feel what that last person made us feel. We become the person we never wanted to be in an effort to protect ourselves. In a sense, we become god in the situation. We take matters into our own hands instead of letting God do the healing work in us. Tough. Because we can never be God. Rather than allowing ourselves time to heal properly, to grieve properly, we hold on to or bury the hurt and pain that reminds us how damaged we are. Instead of  going through the process of surrendering and crying out to God, we continue moving without taking time to heal. Instead of spending time alone getting to know ourselves better, dealing with our emotions so we can communicate better or taking time to understand what happened and surround ourselves with the right community, we continue building on a weak foundation leading to more unhealthy relationships. 

Acknowledge the pain, accept it, talk through it, work through it so it doesn’t take deeper roots and bear bad fruit in your future. Everything in life is connected and that one thing we might be holding on to is affecting everything else. When we don’t work through something, there’s a chance that thing may create unhealthy cycles in our lives.

Live in truth. The only way to have a real relationship is if it’s centered in truth, truth and intimacy go hand in hand. This is why our relationship with God matters so much. How can we know truth if we don’t know Him? How can we know intimacy if we don’t know God? Sometimes the truth hurts and the truth can be ugly. When God reveals the ugly parts of us, it’s not so fun. But oh so necessary. As Ephesians 4:14-16 tells us, we can’t grow to maturity by ourselves. To let go of childish tendencies and to walk in manhood or womanhood is a choice. To forgive is a choice, to let go is a choice, to stop looking at others and look at yourself (no matter how “good” you feel you are, you played a role), to stop blaming others or blaming God is a choice. In everything, God wants to perfect us. 

One small step we can make today is to ask God for direction. He is the author and finisher of our faith. He wants us to come through life mature, lacking in nothing (James 1:2-4). Find a reason to be thankful that you experienced what you did and tell God thank you. That’s a start. It’s easy to thank God for what He gives us, can we also thank God for what we lose? Remember this, sometimes you don’t get what you want because you deserve better. Do we trust Him enough to believe He’s got our lives in His hands. A heart of gratitude helps us see differently. Thankfulness is a sacrifice but it helps us accept God’s will, it establishes trust in Him and pushes us towards contentment. Being thankful enables us to walk in victory and gets our focus off of ourselves and back onto God. 

Here’s a short prayer for anyone dealing with pain of the past. Dear God, thank you for keeping me, for bringing me through even though I may not see how yet. Thank you for the experiences I’ve had. Thank you for growth and that I’m not the same today as I was yesterday. Thank you that your promises are the same yesterday, today and forever. I need your help. Soften my heart, God. Help me to deal with the things in my past that are holding me back. Bring every thought, every memory into captivity and reveal every lie of the enemy that I may no longer fall to his voice. Everything you have not planted, pull up from its roots. Reveal to me my own self so I can heal. Break the cycle of painful relationships in my life. Bring people into my life that will help me along this journey and remove anyone who doesn’t need to be close to me for where you’re taking me. Renew in me a steadfast spirit and create in me a clean heart. Restore my peace and let the joy of my salvation be my strength. Forgive me for my sins and help me to forgive myself and those I need to forgive. Deliver me from the temptation of going back to old ways, people or things that I need to distance myself from. You are sovereign and faithful to the end. Thank you for loving me without fault. In Jesus name, amen. 

With love, 

Carin

P.S. For those who are reading this from my IG, thanks for reading. The guy in the pic was absolutely not a situation or situationship in any way, shape or form. He has not caused me any pain, hurt, etc. He’s a really great guy, awesome friend of mine and I can only say good things about him so no fault to him… we thought it was a good draw, no drama 🙂 Thanks for reading ❤